bliss warrior

it's time for some big love
and it is for me

it isn't something that you "get"
until
you are about to step off into Alice's wirly twirly black hole

it's like spinning madly, around and around
not being able to stop
knowing you need to stop
being afraid to stop

the unceasing worry

unable to just breathe

not able to quiet my own voice

feeling personally wounded by even the smallest of minds

it is easy for me to console others
to see their beauty
I have a talent for spotting loveliness
in people
in situations
those that would otherwise
be ignored
picked over
left behind
deemed peculiar

these are some of my favorite gems that the universe bestows upon us

but when I look inside
and see all of the red
a cocktail of hurt, anger, insecurities
so many unanswered questions
a big white elephant, other people's elephant
it brings me to my knees

it isn't easy
it is scary
to ask for help, to ask for someone to listen
to your fucked up, neurotic going ons
it is 100% scary

fearful of accepting the help
pill form
speak form
whatever it may turn out to be

but here I am
and I need a little help
to take the edge off
to allow my shoulders to move away from my ears

so, friday is the day
to talk to my friend
with the watery blue eyes
kind smile and warm hands
that doesn't speak until I am finished
that looks me in the eye
never judges, never rushes me
listens to what I am saying
and what I am not saying

What if you were standing on the Moon
staring out into complete darkness
complete stillness
complete quiet

and then...

The Universe turned on the lights

what would YOU see?
hear?
smell?
feel?

this is me
just me
not being someone else, not pretending to be anything
but
me

its been a long time coming
sometimes I slip
say what I dont feel or think
but I am getting better
at listening more than speaking

did you know
you dont have to talk?
you dont have to answer uncomfortable questions
if you dont want to?
you can be still
be loving
and breathe through it

I am different
my tastes are my own
and when I am just being me
those things, that person I am
is so cool

when I am in that groove
floating down that river
it feels so good
good to know what I like
to not be indecisive
to create from my center

to.just.be.me

samantha, resting her head on my lap

it occured to me that I haven't finished writing my story
that is why I am stuck

when I was young
I would visualize being a teenager
to wear makeup, driving a red car, wearing high heels
to be popular, funny, have lots of friends
go on dates with cute boys
all the things I thought were "important"
the universe came through

when I was a preteen and teenager
I would visualize being in college
going to THE college I had always dreamed of
partying, being young and carefree
the universe came through

when I was in college
I would visualize graduating, literally seeing myself walking across the glorious stage
getting a job
living the single life
being able to buy what I want
come and go as I please
always knowing that the husband part would come, never worrying like my friends
knowing he would have dark hair, be in finance, a numbers guy, possibly be ethnic
the universe came through

the end.

stop.

fin.

I never really visualized myself past 30

I never saw myself getting older
a few lines around my eyes, gray hairs

metabolism walking instead of running

never did I dream about life beyond
in the middle of this life
during the end of this life
I never thought past getting married
buying a nice home, having two dogs

so, that is where I am

so much untapped power
we all have it
sometimes it is covered up with muck
with years of discouraging words, neglect
no sunshine, no water

endless accounts in my life
evidence of manifesting what you want by visualizing it
from the very small, to the life changing
good and bad

I will write
a new chapter to this book of my life
using my power, my intution
trusting in the energy to manifest

He loved the twilight that surrounds
The border-land of old romance;
Where glitter hauberk, helm, and lance,
And banner waves, and trumpet sounds,
And ladies ride with hawk on wrist,
And mighty warriors sweep along,
Magnified by the purple mist,
The dusk of centuries and of song.

*Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Prelude to Tales of a Wayside Inn